“Why can’t we agree? We see things so differently! How can we make this work when we disagree on SO many things!”
It’s a common refrain from couples, yet the Gottman Research Institute has found that even in the most successful relationships, sixty-nine percent of conflicts are irresolvable. That means that two-thirds of the issues you disagree on will NEVER be resolved. They will not go away. They will be perpetual and persistent. While this can quickly spiral you into a place of despair, I’d love to invite you to shift your perspective. Having vastly differing viewpoints is not a harbinger of doom for your relationship. Rather, it can be an invitation to discussion, communication, and commitment to understanding the heart underneath the perspective.
the Gottman Research Institute has found that even in the most successful relationships, sixty-nine percent of conflicts are irresolvable
As a therapist, I can often disagree with client’s viewpoints, perspectives, values, or opinions. But because of the nature of the relationship, it’s my honor to set my own “stuff” aside and simply be curious about what has shaped their view. And as I work to understand the dynamics that have contributed to their perspective, I am almost always softened and appreciative of how they see things. Does that mean I change my mind? No. But when we take the time to listen, to strive to understand and truly hear another, we cannot help but grow. I’ve heard it said that when we truly understand another’s story, their behaviors and choices almost always make sense. If we can let our curiosity shape our interactions, it can be transformative. Whether in my office or outside of it, I have learned the absolute most from the people most different from me.
My husband and I are polar opposites in many ways. He’s black and white, I’m gray. He’s stoic, I’m emotive. He’s a man of action, I’m a woman of words. He’s all about structure, while I value flexibility. He radiates responsibility, while I am the patron of adventure. He is driven where I’m content.
Having vastly differing viewpoints is not a harbinger of doom for your relationship. Rather, it can be an invitation to discussion, communication, and commitment to understanding the heart underneath the perspective.
Unsurprisingly, this leads to conflicts and areas of disagreement that we haven’t resolved in many years of marriage. And of course, this can be frustrating and discouraging. But when I step back and think about all the ways he’s different from me, I’m so very grateful. His unique perspectives stretch me to grow and see things differently, they help me practice empathy, and sometimes even help me strengthen my own viewpoint. The topics within our 69% range from the significance issues of healthcare to trivial disagreement on how to load the dishwasher. But these conflicts can help create a paradigm shift away from needing to be 100% united in viewpoint, to understanding that unity isn’t actually about sameness or homogeny. Instead, it’s about a shared commitment, a mutual purpose, rooted in intentional, sacrificial love for one another, facilitated by the Holy Spirit. And while I will always know I’m right about the dishwasher, our commitment to love means creating space for his dishwasher-loading perspective to be valued as well.